Mother's Day. It’s Different Now | A special Mother’s Day episode with Jo Lamble | Club Sandwich
Sandwich-generation carers don't get a holiday — not even on Mother's Day. Ageing parents? You've got them. We've got you.
JOIN THE CLUB: Visit clubsandwich.community to join the tribe, access resources, and find our private Facebook community.
SEND US YOUR QUESTION: hello@clubsandwich.community
In this episode:
The Conversation: Sarah Macdonald and clinical psychologist Jo Lamble unpack the relationship shift nobody warns you about — when your mum stops worrying about you and starts needing you. They cover role reversal, unfiltered comments, re-triggered old wounds, the sibling who flies in like royalty, caring for mums who weren't there at all, and the long tail of Mother's Day grief.
This Week's Hack: Compartmentalise. Have shower time / scream time. Acknowledge the pain. Then close the box and be the person you want to be.
Listener Letter / Send-this-to: Send this to a sibling — let Jo Lamble say what you've been trying to say for months. Or send it to a friend who's about to have a hard Mother's Day.
Hot Mess Moment: Sarah's mum at the eye doctor announcing — loud enough for the whole shop — that "we got that thing because we were r*ped by Vikings."
Meet the regular Clubbers:
Melissa Reader — CEO of Vera and expert on Australia's ageing crisis.
Jo Lamble — Clinical psychologist specialising in guilt and family dynamics.
Dr Ginni Mansberg — GP and women's health advocate who tells it straight.
Dr Stephanie Ward — Geriatrician helping you understand when "old" becomes a crisis.
Kerry Milligan — Gogglebox star bringing humour and honesty to the sandwich generation.
Topics covered in this episode:
- The sudden shift from being cared for to caring
- Role reversal — doing up your mother's seatbelt
- When personalities harden (or soften) with age
- The lucky few — when your mum was your rock
- When caring re-triggers old wounds and old patterns
- Compartmentalising — shower time, scream time
- When your mum loses her filter
- When she rewrites your history
- The sibling who flies in like royalty
- Caring for a mum who wasn't there for you
- Why Jo Lamble hates the word "boundaries"
- Mother's Day grief that doesn't end
- Making Mother's Day about you too — even just for 20 minutes
Credits:
Club Sandwich is brought to you by Vera, helping families caring for ageing parents navigate this stage of life so you don't have to do it alone.
JOIN THE CLUB: Visit clubsandwich.community to join the tribe, access resources, and find our private Facebook community.
SEND US YOUR QUESTION: hello@clubsandwich.community
Need more clarity at 3 AM? Vera gives you a structured 15-minute voice conversation to help you understand where your parent stands and what to do next. Discover more at vera.guide.
Sarah Macdonald — Host + Executive Producer
Melissa Reader — Commissioning Editor, Executive Producer + Clubber
Justin McArthur — Executive Producer
Audio + video edits by P. Zinner Podcasts
Thanks and kudos to Sean Wayland for our awesome theme music Club Sandwich — hear more from Sean at seanwayland.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Transcript
Club Sandwich is recorded on Gadigal Land, home of the EORA nation. We pay our respects to elders past and present. Always was, always will be.
Club Sandwich is brought to you by Australian Unity Home Health and Care, helping Australian families keep their parents well, independent and at home for longer. Visit australianunity.comauclubsandwich. Hello, welcome to Club Sandwich. Now this is the podcast for you if Mother's Day is more about cooking your mum a meal and emptying her fridge rather than having a luxurious sleep in and breakfast in bed. My name is Sarah McDonald. I kind of have mixed feelings about Mother's Day and it's not just because of the commodification of motherly love and the weird presence I've got in the past like a worm farm, but because every day is Mother's Day for me now and has been for a number of years. And sandwich generation carers don't really get a holiday, or at least not from that emotional load. I find if I'm not with Mum, I'm thinking about her, I'm doing admin for her. And it just means that that increased presence looms over nearly every decision I make in my life. And as your mother ages, the relationship really shifts, doesn't it? And, and so I wanted to focus on this today, on the pod, how caring for your mother can bring up a lot for us. So to help us carry the mother load and discuss relationships with our aging mum. Welcome back. Clubber Jo Lambeau, clinical psychologist and writer. Hi, Jo.
Hey.
So this is where the sandwich squeeze we know is a lot of work, but it's also a big change in the relationship and a psychological shift in yourself, isn't it? When you are caring for the mother that hopefully cared for you, it is a huge shift.
And what's surprising to me is it's quite sudden. You know, one minute you've got your mum who's loved you and cared for you and worried about you, and the next minute you notice you're actually worrying more about her and you're caring more for her. So that, that is quite a shift that can be destabilising.
It probably happens gradually, but it's like all things, you just catch it all of a sudden you go, oh, this is where we're at now.
Yeah, that's right, that's right. So it, yes, it happens gradually, but the actual feeling it off. I hear a lot of people say it's quite sudden. I just suddenly noticed that I'm confronted by it because, let's face it, a lot of Us, a lot of adult children have spent many years just reverting back to being a child. When we're around a parent, you go over to visit your mum and you plop down on the sofa and before you know it, there's a cup of tea in front of you, or they're cooking your favourite meal and they're asking all about your life and what's going on. And then it starts, sh. And suddenly you're thinking, oh, no, hold on, Mum, you sit down, I'll get the cuppa. You know, now, why don't you come to my place and I'll cook for you. I'll bring something over. And you're worried about them, so you're asking them all about their lives. So suddenly you're listening more than talking, you're helping, you're caring. And that is a shift.
It's a big shift. And it's really confronting, isn't it, in terms of that change?
It is, it is. Because we often, you know, we still need our mums. You know, we still need our mums.
And when you're in pain. Exactly. You still go, I want my mum. That's right.
And you want their advice and you want their counsel, but you're always weighing up. Hold on, is that. Is that okay for Mum? I think that would worry Mum too much. I don't think I'll tell her about that, or I don't think I'll burden her with that. Whereas before we didn't think about that. We just straight away say, oh, guess what's happening? What do I do? Help? Or just listen to me or just worry about me or just care about me. So, yeah, there's lots of little things that change as this and that relationship starts shifting.
That's a big thing, though, because it's sad when you think you're protecting your mum rather than telling her about what's going on in your own life.
And this weird thing happens because often your mum is also trying to protect you still. So there's lots of things that I know. My mum says, well, I wasn't going to tell you until I got the answer to this or until we sorted it out. I didn't want to worry. You went, mum, no, it's shifted. I'm worried about you. So here we are both trying to protect each other. Protect each other, which is lovely, but it's. It's something we didn't think about earlier on.
And it's sort of what I find really confronting is that role reversal that, you know, sometimes I'll be helping my mum get dressed, or I'll be doing the seatbelt up for her in the car or just helping her with things that she would have done for me when I was little. And I'm just like, wow, that kind of sometimes just. I don't know why, but it keeps not shocking me, but keeps sort of confronting me every time it happens.
Cause it can hit you. Because it doesn't feel that long ago if we've got kids ourselves. It doesn't feel that long ago when we were helping our children get dressed. Or in my case, you know, helping a grandchild get dressed. So that, you know, doesn't seem that far away. But then suddenly to be helping your mother get dressed in your case, then. Yeah, of course it's confronting because it just. It's just the first time ever, you know, there's a lot of firsts that start happening.
Confronting for them.
Exactly. It's definitely confronting for them.
Oh, must be. Yeah, yeah.
Especially if their dignity is involved or. And they're losing. Or they feel like they might be losing some independence or strength. Yeah, that is really, really upsetting for them.
It's like, well, you did it for me, Mum, so let me do it for you. You know. But they do become a bit more like the child. Like, my mum even reads every sign when we're driving along. She'll go, oh, you know, ikea or, oh, erectile dysfunction. You know, she just reads. And it's like when my kids were little and they were learning to read and they'd read everything out there'. So many little things that kind of reverse.
Well, that's right. And they get. I mean, seriously, as people get older, they can have toddler like tantrums, you know, they can really put their foot down and go, no, I will not. I will not eat that, I will not go there. Or they become more playful and funny, which is lovely to watch, you know. So, yeah, those changes. A lot of things can remind us of younger children.
Yeah, that's the interesting one. Where their personality changes or whether they kind of harden and become more of who they are.
Look, some personality traits definitely get stronger. Some people get more obstinate, stubborn, opinionated, whether they have the facts or not. And others just soften. You might find your mum, who is really strict and unforgiving, suddenly is very emotional and soft and warm and that's a lovely gift. So you don't know. But if they are staying the same or getting worse, then that's where that dreaded a word comes in. Acceptance. Cause that's one of the hardest things to do in life, is accept what is going on and where they're at.
Well, let's talk about the people who have the mother who is the soft and cuddly one. And it's all pretty easy. And they were a great mother. They were cuddly and yet they're rock. Because I'm imagining that how this relationship goes with an elderly mother and an aging mother is dictated by, often by how it's gone the whole life through.
Yeah. Because relationships, mother, daughter, mother, son, relationships come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and so that will dictate how the relationship progresses during this next stage.
Unless there's big personality changes.
Unless there's big personality changes. But if you were lucky enough to have that mum who was your rock and so nurturing and worrying and your counsel, you know, provided you with so much guidance, then it can be so confronting when they're suddenly not able to do that and you're caring for, but you feel so grateful for everything they've done for you. And it can feel like a privilege and an opportunity to pay back, to say, wow, Mum, you've given me so much. Please you relax, let me, let me do this for you. Because I cannot thank you enough for everything you've done for me. So there's that mixture of it being confronting, but also a nice opportunity that can really make a mother and daughter be even closer.
And that's what you've got to shift into. Like, you did this for me, I'm going to do it for you. And I feel like I'm paying you back and you can feel less guilty about being a brat and all those times you snuck out in the middle of the night and climbed in the window at 3:00am and, you know, had wild parties.
Sarah, Sarah, I don't know what you're talking about. Have no idea.
We never did that.
No, no, it was perfect.
But you would feel, you know, that's the thing you do feel.
Yeah.
That sense of kind of honouring them.
I suppose that's right. That's what I mean by privilege. It can be a privilege to pay back.
Yeah. That's a wonderful thing to think about it and shift that. I think on those days where it's exhausting and confronting.
Yeah. You think about how exhausting it must have been for them to look after us for how long. And also, as we know that they, when, while they're still able, they are still worried about us. They worry about us all the time. And so they've Had a long time of worrying and caring for us.
That's why you've got to pretend everything's great. When you're with your parents often, I think if they're going through a hard time, you kind of have to be like, they protected us.
Yes.
You have to go. No, I'm fine. Everything's great at work.
Yes. Tell me about what you've had for lunch.
I think we have high expectations on our mums, but I also recognise a lot of people have had very complicated relationship with their mothers, so if they've had issues in the past, they're not going to go away at this time. And then as your parent is needing more help and you're spending more time together, this must bring up a lot for a lot of children.
For the adult children who have had a really tricky relationship with their mum during their lives, it can be hard. And what's the hardest thing? It's the coping strategies they have always used may not work now. So they may have kept their distance a bit and just checked in every now and then, or they may have just steered clear of certain topics. Let's just not mention the war, just keep it very neutral. Or they may have been very assertive in standing up for themselves and then suddenly or over time, their mother gets more in need and more frail and suddenly, you know, being assertive with her doesn't work. She may have lost a filter. And you cannot just use those same strategies or, you know, keeping your distance.
Well, you can't if they need help.
They can't if they need help. So that can be really hard because there can be this resentment there. Hold on. You weren't. You weren't there for me. You made life very difficult for me. But I'm expected to drop everything for you, so that's a really hard thing to juggle for some people.
Let's talk about the people whose parents were there and let's get to the ones whose parents weren't there, because, my God, that must be really hard. But for the mothers who were there, but there was issues and they know how to press your buttons, they know how to trigger you. And so all these old conflicts are just still below the surface, but you're spending more time with them and you've had to drop some of those boundaries and protection mechanisms. So how do you get through this and not get agitated and not get. I don't know, is re triggered too strong a word here?
Oh, no. I think since COVID any version of trigger is welcomed by all. Yeah, it could Be very overwhelming.
Okay, let's talk about re. Triggering.
But I think the main advice I'd give is to try and compartmentalise. So it is still okay to feel hurt. It's still okay to acknowledge the pain that you're carrying because you've had a difficult relationship, because you wish that things had been different. You know, that's okay. You can still carry that, but you can still be the caring person you'd like to be. So you can still say, okay, I've still got a role here. This is still me. I am a caring person, so I will provide that care for my mother. Even though it was very. We've had a very difficult relationship. But don't. You don't have to drop it. Just put in another compartment.
The pain.
The pain. I know that and that sounds frustration. Yeah. And I know that sounds easier said than done, but a lot of people are very good at that. The people who go with life say, okay, I'll open that. We often talk about shower time. Shower time is a really good time to just go, oh, you mean actually
getting in the shower.
Getting in the shower, right. Having a scream, have a cry and say, this isn't fair. Gosh, I wish I'd had some of this when I was growing up. And then bing, back out, back out.
Or if you have a swimming pool, I used to go in my mum's pool, actually, and just go underwater and scream. But I don't have a pool. Then you go in the public pool and everyone doing their lapses, like, what's going on?
You can hear it.
The sound travels. It's like, oh, there's someone from the sandwich generation screaming underwater.
But that's what compartmentalizing looks like. You know, you have time where you let it out and you acknowledge it and you feel it. And then other times where you put that away in the box and you think, okay, but who do I want to be? I want to be this caring person. This is what I can do. And so this is what I will do.
Right. The kids or the grandkids can have screen time while you have scream time, but limited.
Not too much scream time.
Yeah. I mean, you mentioned an interesting one there about mothers. And, you know, this can happen with fathers, obviously as well, but losing their filter.
Yes, yes.
So that can be funny. My mum lost her filter a while ago and we went to the eye doctor and she's got this thing with her eyes that Vikings had. I can't remember what it's called. XPT or TPX or something. Like that. And they said, oh, it comes through the Viking line because we're Scottish descendants. So then I took her to the eye doctor a few months later and she said, now I've got that thing. And he said, what thing? And he said that she said that thing. Cause we were raped by Vikings in the middle of the shop. Everybody heard her. And so the losing of the filter can be funny. It can be, but it can also be really tricky.
Well, it can, especially if they come out with things that they are saying. They've always thought, but they've never told you about you, about you, about, I've always hated your husband, your child's stupid, you're ugly.
You know, it's not funny.
No, but. But we do have to try and laugh at it. But no, they can. They can. That. That can be very confronting when they're suddenly. Because they're not only often commenting on strangers very loudly. Look at her. You know, which. Mum. Mum. Yeah, but. Yeah, when they turn it on you and they can say something about you or your loved ones, then that can be really hard, or they can reopen wounds that you've tried to bury, or you have, and they can bring up things that you're thinking, oh, I really do not want to talk about this now. And you're not the person I want to talk to about it.
And why are they bringing it up? Because.
Well, because I think, again, as people get older, we know they focus more on the past so things can come up and they can. Like we all can. We're all terrible eyewitnesses. So they can. They're just as good as rewriting history as we are, so they can rewrite something that can happen. You say, no, no, no, that's not what happened, Mum. That's not. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. You don't know. And so that can be really hurtful because you're thinking, no, but that's not my experience, that's not my story. That's not what's caused my pain. But they're seeing it differently. So some of these subjects are really quite confronting again. And often, sadly, it's not your mum. You need to have that conversation.
There's no point trying to rewrite their history. No, no. No perspective on it.
It's not fair. It's not fair to rewrite their history. Yes, as you say, that's how they see it.
But that can be so frustrating. You might need to go and borrow their shower in that moment to have a scream then.
That's right.
Quick word for you clubbers. Club Sandwich is bringing you two special events soon on Thursday, 14th of May. It's a lot. This is a live virtual hour on the Midlife Squeeze with me, Melissa, Rita and Jo Lambe. It's 15 bucks. It's on Zoom at 8pm on the 2nd of June in Sydney. If you are in Sydney, stay for supper is an evening with the wise and wonderful Dr. Catherine Mannix. She is a doctor, an author and a global expert on tender conversations. It's 35 bucks. It includes some supper, sandwiches, of course, a Vera take home gift and you can get signed copies of Katherine's books on the night. Both of the events are on clubsandwich.community check it out if you're the one in the family that's lying awake worrying whether your mum or dad is okay. Australian Unity Home Health and care was built for you. Its neighbourhood care model puts a dedicated care partner and a connected local team around your parents. People who actually know them, who know their community and can anticipate what is needed before it becomes urgent. It doesn't replace you, but it means someone you trust is there when you can't be. Visit australianunity.com auclubsandwich I know you can't argue back and you can't bring up old arguments, but so compartmentalising, putting them in a box for when you get home.
Hopefully you've got a sibling. You know, if you've got a sibling who is able to empathise and validate and say, yes, that you're right, that is what happened and you know they can see what you hurt or share your hurt or frustration. But if you've got one of those siblings, which is totally understandable, but they say, oh come on, poor old mum, give her a break, she can't help it, she's getting old.
That's the one who's overseas, never goes to see them.
That's right.
And then the favourite child when they walk in, they're amazing. Oh, it's prodigy. They're a God.
Absolutely. But again, it is understandable when they're saying mum can't help that because she is getting older. So they're right. But it doesn't hurt your pain or frustration. So that's the time you need to find a friend who you can vent to who will give, give you that empathy or you join Club Sandwich and we'll give you heaps of validation.
Yeah, we hear you, we hear you, we get you. That is really, really hard. So yeah, don't complain to the sibling if you don't think they're going to be there for you. That's the other thing. I think that the parent often, the mum will often be harder on the one they see all the time, or they take you for granted and then when the other one comes, it is. Yes. It's like the royals have dropped in. And that can be hurtful too, can't it?
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, that. That is a very.
Who's there for Mother's Day?
That's a very common complaint I hear, is that, yes, I'm there all the time, but who do they want to talk to or talk about? Is the one that, yeah. Is just flies in their office treat
and yet, listen back to our siblings episode, because that one's done very well. And we. I mean, we can go into more detail on this down the track as well. If people have specific questions, they can get to us. But. But the painful thing is, I suppose, they know our buttons to press, they know how to wound us, they know where those sore spots are and that can be very hard to compartmentalise in that really. Ouch moment.
Do they know, though? I think sometimes, you know, again, they mean to. Well, I think often they don't mean to. Often they're just saying it like it is because that's what's come into their mind or that's what they're thinking, or. We've done very well at shielding our pain over the years and we haven't said that really hurts. So they don't know. They just think it's fine to just mention, you know, once again, some, you know, some criticism of you and. Because what we dearly want is to be loved unconditionally by our mums and not criticised, any sort of. Any sort of dig or criticism really hits much deeper than she intended. She. So I don't think it's a. I don't think it's as nasty as that. I don't think it is deliberate. No, they don't mean to. They don't deliberately attempt to hurt you. They just really say some things that can take your breath away at times.
Yeah. Even the little things like, oh, you've had your haircut. Could I book you in here? All right, let's talk about those people whose mothers were never there for them. And Mother's Day, pretty painful day for you if you're in this camp. This is really hard. If there's been estrangement and then an elderly mother needs help, like, how hard is it for people to do that? I'm not sure. I could even do that. To come back into a mother's life and care for her when they never cared for you. Yes.
So through divorce or, as you say, estrangement or an illness or a mental illness. There are some mothers who weren't there when someone was growing up and then they can appear. I remember a beautiful client I had and she. Her mother had left the family when she and her siblings were very young, under 10, and so she was now in her late 50s, and her mother showed up. Her dad had brought the children up really well and she was very close to her dad. And then the mum shows up and was wanting.
She didn't show up to, like, 40 years later.
Oh, yeah, no, 50 years later. Yeah, showed up. And it's not that she showed up saying, right, now, you must take care of me. She showed up wanting a relationship. She wanted a relationship with her children. She wanted to meet her grandchildren. And she said, here I am. And that was, imagine, I don't know what you'd do then. I don't know what I would do. But this beautiful woman, she took that as an opportunity and she said, okay, I'm going to try and get to know my mum and most importantly, but gently confront her, why did you leave us? Why did you stay away? And she got to hear her mum's story. She got to know all about her life. She got to understand what had happened and she really, really felt this healing power of having. She. She felt so blessed that she had not, you know, ended, you know, got to the end of her own life and never knew what happened to her mum. So she. So it was so healing for her. And, you know, what was beautiful about this story is the dad was so supportive. The dad was so supportive of his daughter getting closer to the woman who broke his heart and abandoned him and left him to look after the children.
He could have been like, bugger you. You can't just flaunt back in when I've.
I've done it all.
Done it all.
Yeah. But he. He said, please, this is. This is wonderful for you. Interestingly, the siblings didn't want anything to do with the mum and they just stayed away. And they couldn't believe my client would do anything with her or for her, but she did, and she ended up, you know, being a carer for her mum. Her mum moved in, so she cared
for her mum in old age, even though her mum had never cared for her.
Yep. And she. She just. I often tried to push some buttons. Surely, surely, come on, come on. Surely there's some resentment there, some pain. She said, I have had this hole, this wound my whole life and now it's being filled, now it's being healed. Because now she realized, wow, my mother was so unwell, so, so depressed with untreatable, you know, depression that she could not and thought it was best for everybody if she just moved to the other side of the world.
And so she had a reason, she just wasn't coping. I mean, we think our mothers don't, you know, that's what growing up's about. Realising that your mother's got her own pain, her own trauma, possibly inherited or mental illness or something. That's what growing up is.
Yeah.
And seeing that's one thing, but being able to then care for a mother that never cared for you, that's pretty incredible. I hope her mother was appreciative and,
oh yeah, they became really close. I mean, it was, it was just the most amazing story. But what I found, as I said, just as interesting, is that the siblings didn't have that.
Understandable.
Yes, it is totally understandable if your parent or your mum has never been there for you, actually physically never been there for you, or the wound is too deep because the relationship has been so rocky. It is understandable. If you a, don't want anything to do with her, that's okay, you can refuse. You can refuse. You can refuse if it is not good for you, if that really, if you cannot feel like, okay, here's an opportunity to heal or here's an opportunity for me to care, then that is fine. Or another opportunity, Another way to think about it is to just put some limits, to put some boundaries on and say, okay, I will be able. I'll ring you once a week, I'll drop in once a month, or I will do practical things for you. I can do practical things for you. But there. I'm not going to get into any intimate conversations. I do not.
It's too painful.
It's too painful.
I just draw my limit.
Exactly. I'm not going to share with you, you know, about my life and about what's going on for me. I don't feel safe doing that, so I won't do it. But I can in a practical way. A lot of people do that and that's fair enough.
And that's totally understandable. And I think sometimes the wounds are so deep and I think if people have finally got their life to a point where they're happy, they're managing well. If a mother comes back and they're scared, it'll all just blow up again.
Oh, yeah, exactly. They're scared they're gonna fall apart. As I said, those coping strategies they've used really well. And that's made their life good, then. Yeah. They don't want to let those go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not. It's not annoying to say boundaries. I'm drawing my boundary. I'm having my boundaries. Cause it's sort of a bit of a word that gets overused a bit. You like it?
No, I don't. I hate it.
Oh, you hate it.
I hate it.
Okay.
Actually, I had a little reaction then, Sarah.
So you hate the word boundaries. I hate it.
Well, it's okay in your own head. That's why I used the word limits before. At limits, you said limit boundaries. Yeah, because it's really getting stuck in my throat now. What I hate is when people say, I need to put some boundaries up. You actually announce the boundary setting. You don't need to announce it. Right. You just do it. Just in your own. In your own mind, just say, okay, this is what I can do, this is what I will do, this is what I can't do.
But don't say, mum, I'm drawing my boundary. In our netball, the musical, we had a song called Boundaries. Did you? About the boundaries of the netball court and the boundaries put on women's lives?
Yes.
They weren't about drawing our own boundaries, otherwise Jo would have had a. I would fit.
Connection. Yep.
So have your boundaries. Say them internally.
Do them.
Do them. I think Mother's Day, as I said, can be a really hard day. So what about for those people who were in the sandwich and their mother has died and there's that grief that can be. And we're going to do an episode on grief soon, but that can have a really long tail. And I think Mother's Day makes you realise that that grief is still really there.
Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter whether you've recently lost your mum or it was years and years ago, Mother's Day will always be painful. It will. It is a time where, even if it was a tricky relationship that brings up all that pain. If it was a close relationship, of course, you are absolutely grieving the loss and grief, as you say, not just a long tail, it just never ends. You live with grief your whole life. You know, we don't talk about the stages of grief anymore. We talk about waves of grief, you know, and there's certain times in life where the waves are really strong and that's like mother's Day, that's a really strong wave. And sometimes it surprises you because, you know, sometimes. Sometimes it's not actually Mother's Day, it's the couple of days before, but Mother's Day itself is fine. And sometimes Mother's Day is okay, but a couple of days after it hits you. So just be aware that that can be a really tough time. And so what I always recommend is that you. It's an opportunity again to keep that connection going. So spend whatever time when that wave hits you, then talk to your mum. Talk to your mum. Tell her what's on your mind, what you miss about her, what you're angry about, what you'd love her to be knowing about your life right now. And hear her, hear her voice. Hear what she would like to be saying to you right now, what she would say, what advice, what she'd be wagging a finger about. You know, just. Just hear it. Keep that connection. We know that grief is easier if we keep the spirit of that person. And we carry that through our lives, through that connection. And a great way to do that. So it's a beautiful idea to write a Mother's Day card to your mum.
Oh, that's a nice idea.
Write that. What would you like to say to her right now? Not just Happy Mother's Day, but all these are the things that, you know, that I love to do that are
a funny, silly one. My mum, we love the funny, silly cards. And because we forget the jokes, we just reuse them every year. But that's a lovely idea. Write to your mum on Mother's Day. I like the idea of lighting a candle, too, and whatever your ritual is, and you just. But you just miss them like hell on that day. That's right.
That's right. Yeah. And especially if where there's. I mean, now there's so much talk of it, Mother's Day, you know, as soon as Easter's finished, you suddenly all over the place, Mother's Day. So, yeah, people are really struggling with that.
And if you have guilt on Mother's Day, go back and listen to our guilt episode about guilt and remorse. And I suppose you've got to be very gentle with yourself on Mother's Day. Maybe that's what your mother would be saying to you. Rest up, look after yourself. And even if you're not a mother, you're a daughter and I'm the mother and I'm telling you to just have a gentle, quiet day.
Look, and that's if you're. If you're grieving Then being kind to yourself is a great idea and finding ways to connect. The other thing I was just thinking about with Mother's Day, that can be hard for the people in the sandwich generation is that they sort of then lose any sense of it being their day.
Yeah.
You know, so, you know, when they would lit if they had kids, when, you know, the kids would give them the worm farm or some sort of interest.
A china teddy bear once too.
A china teddy bear.
I was like, thanks, darling. Yeah, it used to be about us.
Yeah, it used to be about us and you're cold toast in bed or whatever, but. Or it used to be about, you know, how to, you know, make it nice for your mum and doing things, but now it's more about, okay, you know, you're looking after your teenagers or grandchildren, and you're also looking after your mum and making it all about her. So sometimes, again, a little bit of resentment can creep in and say, really? Like to have that. Read my book in bed. That would be nice. Yeah.
Do something for yourself. Which is what we say at the end of every episode. What have you done for yourself this week? And if. God. My God, if Mother's Day isn't the day, you can do it even if you're not a mother. I don't know what day is. So.
Might be hard on Mother's Day.
Might be hard on Mother's Day. You gotta go and see your mum. But doesn't mean you can't do something for yourself.
No, that's right. That's right. Yeah, that's right.
What have you done for yourself this week, Jo?
Oh, look, I hate to admit it, but, you know, I've just got another gadget.
What have you got?
Hibachi. Hibachi. It's a grill. It's a. It's like a Japanese grill to cook
beautiful smoked meat on.
Yeah. Or veggies or.
Yeah, okay. Never heard of it.
Oh, it's lovely. It's this smoky, smoky flavour. I am seriously this gadget queen.
Okay?
So I don't chop for anything but gadgets. Every. Especially if it's to do with cooking. Excellent. So now everything's on skewers. It's like mermaids, you know, when. Toothpicks. When Cher put everything. Now everything's on skewers.
Oh, my God, I love Cher in that movie. Watch Mermaids on Mother's Day.
That's beautiful. Yes. There you go.
It's a great film. It's a great film about motherhood.
Yes.
Well, you know what I've been doing I've been watching the show Riot Women. Have you seen it?
No.
It's on sbs. Yes, it's an English show by Sally Wainwright, and it's about these women in their 50s who are going through menopause, who have aging parents, have mothers with dementia, are being gaslit by men who are having a rough time. It's about female rage. But they get it together and they form a punk band and they sing about Give me hrt. It is hilarious.
There we go.
There's a song you say, you're just like my mother. Anyway, it is. Is brilliant. Sally Wainwright's gonna be on the podcast in a few weeks, so listen up for that, because, my God, this woman knows female rage. And you don't need a shower. If you watch right woman, you can get out.
Okay, good. Or join a punk band.
Well, you know, this is why I'm upset, because I actually have always had a plan to start a punk band, but I just forgot to learn the instrument. I've got the name.
Great.
I've got the outfits.
I'd say you've got the outfits. You have always had the outfits.
I know, but I don't have the instruments. This show's made me think it's all possible. So listen up for that.
Never too late.
It's never too late. Yes. So have a Mother's Day that is right for you and do something for yourself. This work, even if it's even a small thing. Yes, exactly. Thanks, Jo.
Thanks, Sarah.
Please send this episode to a sibling who really needs to hear what Jo Lambill's been telling us. Or you can send it to a friend who you know that on Mother's Day will be having a particularly confronting time, we'd love to hear from you. You can email at hello, clubsandwich.community make sure you follow us on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, wherever you get your podcasts. We also have club sandwich events from time to time, so make sure you check out our website, Club Sandwich Community, and you can follow us on Instagram and Facebook too. Hope you have a Mother's Day that you deserve, which is a good one because you're doing a great job. Today's episode was supported by Australian Unity Home Health and Care, proactive local care that helps your parents stay independent and living well at home. Visit australianunity.comauclubsandwich.
if you've just been listening to Sarah and Jo talking about the day that your mum stopped being your rock and she started needing you to be hers and you're still sitting with whatever that brought up for you. You're in the right place. Vera is your candid companion. As you care for an aging parent, Vera helps you name what you're noticing. You know, the half finished meals, the same question more than twice. The little things that you don't really have words for yet. It's not about forms or pressure. It's just gentle words and a steady necklace step. So for the conversations that are hardest to start, Vera really walks beside you. Because you know the relationship has shifted. You don't have to carry it alone. Have a look at Vera Guide links. Also in the show notes.