One text away from falling apart | Bianca Dye on caring for a parent with dementia | Club Sandwich
Sarah Macdonald and Bianca Dye on caring solo for a mum with dementia when you have no kids and no siblings to share the load – and why "I don't have children" doesn't disqualify you from the sandwich generation.
This week Sarah Macdonald is joined by broadcaster Bianca Dye: an only child, with no kids of her own, and the sole carer for her 81-year-old mum, who has Alzheimer's-form dementia.
Bianca keeps apologising for "complaining" because she doesn't have children, and Sarah sets her straight early: you don't need a kid to be in the sandwich generation. It's about layers of life – work, care, your own health – all squeezing at once. The two ex-radio women cover the lumpy, chunk-by-chunk reality of a parent's decline, the guilt of being away for work, the small daily battles (the stains, the moved pills, the TV remote), and the army of friends who keep Bianca standing.
There's a real hack in here too: you can be right, or you can be kind. Plus the practical lifelines – the Carer Gateway, Dementia Australia, home-care packages and the gap before they kick in, and looking at aged care before it becomes an emergency. And the part that will land hardest for a lot of our listeners: what it's like to nurture a parent who didn't fully nurture you, and how that can, strangely, heal something.
Ageing parents? You've got them. We've got you.
Content note: This episode includes frank discussion of dementia and of a parent expressing suicidal thoughts. If you need support, Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and the National Dementia Helpline is 1800 100 500.
JOIN THE CLUB: Visit https://clubsandwich.community to join the tribe, access resources, and find our private Facebook community.
SEND US YOUR QUESTION: hello@clubsandwich.community
This Week's Hack: "You can be right, or you can be kind." Bianca's friend gave her this line and she leans on it constantly with her mum. With a parent who has dementia, winning the factual argument (which song came first, whether there's a stain) costs you the relationship and changes nothing. Let it go.
Some practical advice:
- use music as connection (people with dementia often light up and remember lyrics);
- carers can get their own free counselling through the Carer Gateway;
- call Dementia Australia (National Dementia Helpline 1800 100 500);
- start touring aged-care homes early so it's not a crisis decision (do the "sniff test" — see our aged-care episode);
- get a Vera guide for a human to walk you through the maze.
Meet the regular Clubbers:
Melissa Reader. CEO of Vera and expert on Australia's ageing crisis.
Jo Lamble. Clinical psychologist specialising in guilt and family dynamics.
Dr Ginni Mansberg. GP and women's health advocate who tells it straight.
Dr Stephanie Ward. Geriatrician helping you understand when "old" becomes a crisis.
Kerry Milligan. Gogglebox star bringing humour and honesty to the sandwich generation.
Topics covered in this episode:
- Why you don't need kids to be in the sandwich generation — it's layers of life, not just children
- Being an "only child" in caring, even when you have siblings who've stepped back
- Friendship as chosen family — the army of friends who fill the gap
- A mum's Alzheimer's-form dementia diagnosis, and reading the geriatrician's letter
- "You can be right, or you can be kind" — letting go of being right
- Music as a way in for people with dementia
- When a small argument becomes a "trauma dump" — history surfacing under pressure
- Caring with your own load: perimenopause, ADHD, executive dysfunction ("I can't human for two")
- The guilt of being away for work and relying on neighbours and friends
- Decline in chunks, and how moving a parent can trigger a sharp drop
- ACAT assessment, the new home-care package levels (Level 8), and the gap before care starts
- Looking after a parent's mental health, while protecting your own
- Caring for a mum who wasn't always there for you (callback to the Mother's Day episode with Jo Lamble)
- The decision about residential aged care, and touring homes early (the "sniff test")
- Carer Gateway counselling, Dementia Australia, and getting a Vera guide
Credits:
Club Sandwich is brought to you by Vera, helping families caring for ageing parents navigate this stage of life so you don't have to do it alone.
JOIN THE CLUB: Visit https://clubsandwich.community to join the tribe, access resources, and find our private Facebook community.
SEND US YOUR QUESTION: hello@clubsandwich.community
This episode is supported by Australian Unity Home Health and Care. Proactive local care that helps your parents stay independent and living well at home. Visit https://australianunity.com.au/clubsandwich.
Need more clarity at 3 AM? Vera gives you a structured 15-minute voice conversation to help you understand where your parent stands and what to do next. Discover more at https://vera.guide.
Sarah Macdonald – Host and Executive Producer.
Melissa Reader – Commissioning Editor, Executive Producer and Clubber.
Justin McArthur – Executive Producer.
Audio + video edits by P. Zinner Podcasts (https://pzinner.com.au)
Theme music 'Club Sandwich' by Sean Wayland. Hear more from Sean at https://seanwayland.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Transcript
Club Sandwich is recorded on Gadigal Land, home of the EORA Nation. We pay our respects to elders past and present. Always was, always will be.
Club Sandwich is brought to you by Australian Unity Home Health and Care, helping Australian families keep their parents well, independent and at home for longer visit australianunity.comauclubsandwich. Just a bit of a warning about this episode. There is a discussion of mental health and also Bianca swears like a trooper. So if you have little ones, don't have them around this episode. And if you have sensitive ears, just tune out occasionally. But it's all part of her rich and vital vernacular. Welcome to Club Sandwich. Now this is the podcast for you. If you often long to be footloose and fancy free, but often you just footstore and free of fancy stuff. My name is Sarah McDonald and I used to work in radio and so did my very special guest today, Bianca Dye. In fact, she still dabbles. Dabbles and you may have seen her in the Golden Bachelor as well. And she's always very upfront about what's going on in her life and she is firmly in the meat that is the sandwich generation at the moment. Hello.
Hello. Thank you for having me.
Thanks for coming on. Life's full on, right?
It is. And as soon as you said that though, cause I was, I was telling someone as I was running late and I apologize, I'm so naughty for your beautiful podcast. They were like, oh, what's the podcast about? And I said, oh, it's the sandwich club. And it's this beautiful podcast that I was made aware of by Rach Fountain who I was like, I need to listen to something that makes me feel that I'm not going crazy. But I always feel that I have to justify. I know this sounds crazy because everyone has their own lenses on when they're going through this, right? But I always feel like I'm not allowed to complain because I'm not technically a sandwich person cause I don't have kids. So I spoke to a girlfriend the other day who lives here in Sydney and she's got a four year old and her dad has dementia and her mum is fine and her mum and dad live together. And so I feel she is your exact person who's trying to wrangle a four year old and then trying to wrangle her mum who's wringing her in tears saying your dad thinks it's 1946 and he's, you know, all that.
Yeah, but you don't need a kid to be in the sandwich generation. It's about layers of life. So that other lay, it can be a kid, it can be work. Work.
Well, work. It's just mine. It's life.
Exactly. And this is the thing. It's about being squished with a lot of responsibilities. And for you, you're it for your mum. You don't have siblings helping you, so I don't. What's the situation?
Well, I don't. Mum and dad split, so my dad's Izzy Di, been in media, singer, blah, blah. But they split when I was like two and a half. So dad remarried. And my gorgeous stepmom, Janice, Alex and Ben are kids from that side. And my brother and sister, I love them very much. But Mum. And that was it for mum. So I'm it. And a lot of people say that they're like, oh, are you caring for your mum? And they sort of look and, oh, you're an only child too. How are you going? And I think, and I think we've discussed this before, so many women and men have said, oh, I've got plenty of brothers and sisters, but I don't have kids. And my sister has two kids and lives in Brisbane and my brother has a kid and lives in Sydney. So I might as well be an only child.
Yes.
And that breaks my heart. Cause I don't have anyone to reach out to. As in. I now realise I have the most unbelievable group of friends. Sarah, like, honestly, it being in Sydney this week to do the Kiss breakfast show, just filling in. I really needed a scaffolding of people who understand the intricacies of someone with dementia. Cause it's not just looking after your mum who's a bit old. Right. Yeah. It's. There's so many layers. Like Mum keeps asking where a credit card is and I can't tell her because she'll lose it again. So I have to say, okay, well, let.
Yeah, let's go into some of the. So, yes, but basically you're.
I've got the scaffold.
You're looking after your mum.
Yep.
You don't. And this happens a lot to single women, actually, or women who don't have kids themselves. The family goes, well, you can do it. All right. So it's almost like they are the only one like you. And it's really a bad assumption because it assumes just. Cause you don't have kids, you don't have a busy life. So that's. You're going through, I think, what a lot of women feel really enraging actually when they don't have kids and their siblings step back. But you know what? It's always someone who steps up. It's always one child who does a lot of the work anyway. So you often feel in this like you're the only child, but you really are, and that's a lot. And so your mum has got dementia. Yeah, she's got the official diagnosis.
Yeah. And I thought we were kind of early stages. Her geriatrician. I don't know the letter. They really need to do it a bit more in layman's terms. You know, I think people who are reading these letters from the geriatrician, it's very much. So. What? Exactly. And look, that's probably on me. I probably should have called her and said, can you explain all of this? But I just read the bit where it was. What do they call it? Is it atrophy of the brain?
That could be the word they use.
Yeah. As far as showing signs of Alzheimer's dementia.
Right. So it's the Alzheimer's form she's got.
Yes. Okay. Yes, thank you for clarifying that because. Yes. And it's really weird, you know, because ever since I said to her, you've got it, I feel like. I don't know if it's some sort of psychological manifestation, but I feel like she went downhill really fast when I said, you have it. I know that sounds bizarre. No.
Because maybe she stopped masking a lot of the stuff and she just sort of submitted to the fact that that was actually what was going on for her. Yeah, that's. How old is she?
81.
Okay, so she's six.
Yeah, I think she's 80. She keeps saying 80 to people. One thing I've learned incredibly is. And I shared this on my social media because someone, a girlfriend of mine, beautiful Jenna, who lost her mother to breast cancer, and I think it was breast cancer. Jesus. But cancer. Oh, my God. It was quite a few years ago and dementia. She. Oh, my God. I just had a peri. Peri moment. Oh, my God. This keeps happening. Do you have that?
Yeah. Your daughter.
Stop what you're saying.
Sorry. She lost her mum. Janna.
Yes, yes, yes, she lost her mum. Yeah, no, but. Oh, sorry. Yep, I got it. Oh, my God, Perry. It is. How am I gonna do a full time radio show when I forget what I'm saying?
That's the other layer of your sandwich.
Oh, my God. It is the perimenopause. It's f. Ing real. The brain fog and adhd. She said to me, you can be Right. Or you can be kind and honestly, I pull on that all the time.
With your mum?
Yes, with Mum. Because she will constantly fight me for stuff. Like, I'll say, oh, Mum, you've got stuff all over your jeans. And I get really upset. Cause it's so confronting to see this woman that was so savvy and quick and sharp and really cared about how she looked. And now she's like this little frail thing and she's got stains on her pants and I just, like. I just want to cry. And I'm like, mama, you've got some marks. And Where.
What?
What do you mean? Oh, no, you've just got. Let me. I'll just go get some wipes. What? What? And she'll just argue with me and I'm like, mama, my eyesight's fine. I can see you've got marks. And we're going to go out to the shop. So I'm going to.
That's a tricky one because you know that the old her would be upset going out with stains on her clothes.
Yeah.
But if the she, where she is now, doesn't care, maybe it doesn't matter.
That is exactly right. So, Jennifer, you've got to let go of it. I know. She said, let it go. Let her go out with stains. And I'm like, I know, but I don't want people to think that I'm letting my mum. Maybe it's about me. That's terrible, isn't it?
Well, you think they'll judge you. Oh, how could you let me.
Yeah, like, oh, look, it's your mum. Don't you wash? Don't you do her washing? Which I do. I'm like, that's. I didn't mean to make it happen.
The other day I took my mum out and she had her pants on backwards. And I thought, who cares?
Yeah, I know. Whatever.
Do you think people are judging? No one will notice.
No, you're right. Look, at the end of the day, who gives a shit? Like, honestly. But it. We've had arguments over a particular one. I was sitting in the car. Music. I'm realising, as I'm learning. Cause it's not. Everyone knows this now, apparently. It's very well known. People with dementia can really come into the music. They. It takes them back immediately. And it's. My mum can remember words to songs. We went and watched that Bob Dylan biopic.
Yeah. And with Timothee Chalamet.
Yes, Timothee Chalamet. How good was he? Oh, you. Oh, no.
So quite good. Yeah. Yeah.
I Thought he kind of embodied it for a young kid.
And she was singing along, though.
She's singing the words to a lot of the, you know, B side songs. And I was like, oh, oh, my God. And I thought, okay, this is great. This is going to be our sweet spot. Take her to movies, literally hear music. Yes. We had an argument because we went and saw the Bruce Springsteen movie as well, and we were talking about Philadelphia, and I played it on Apple on Spotify. God, she's funny too. Bless her, with the dementia. Cause I put it on, she goes, oh, wow, the radio's playing Bruce Springsteen. And I'm like, oh, Mum, it's the Spotify app. Okay, forget what's.
Don't worry, it doesn't matter.
Right? I'm learning that now, Sarah. Like, it's just. Yep, you're right. It's on the radio.
It's on the radio.
Oh, my God, look at that. And she said to me, oh, they wrote that. So he wrote that song just for the movie. And, you know, what was that thing everyone had? You know, all my gay friends. I'm like eight. She's like, yeah, yeah. And she started talking about it and
I said, tom Hanks movie.
It's brilliant, right?
Brilliant movie.
It's like 1997. I said, I haven't seen it since.
Yeah.
So I'm arguing with her. Not arguing, but having a bit of a rambunctious debate. Because she says, oh, the movie. The song was made for the movie. I don't know why I give a shit. Like, I'm not an argumentative person, but if I hear something that I think is wrong, I'll go, oh, are you sure? And she's 0 to 100. So I've realised now, the anger with the dementia. Before, she would have laughed with me and gone, oh, you know, you're the radio person. You think you know everything about music. Well, you're wrong. Whatever.
Yeah.
No, she went from 0 to 100 to. I was like, mum, I think you're wrong. I think he already had the song and then got put with the movie. We had an argument that escalated and then it turned into all sorts of personal stuff of, you weren't there for me. And I went from 0 to 100 because ADHD, perimenopause, brain fog, anger, frustration at stress. Where the fuck. How the fuck did I end up here looking after my mother, who wasn't always there for me as a kid? So there's a lot of resentment there. Although I love her, because I do love her. She's just a hot fucking mess. I love her. So the argument started out as a song and then ended up as this horrible deep core wound trauma dump.
Because everything's, you know, it's not just the layers of care, it's the layers of the history. And that manifests when you're caring for someone. You're under a lot of pressure. So. Yeah, because you lived with your dad most of your childhood.
And I ended up running away from home at 15 and going to live with my mum. So she did have full time custody for year 11 and 12. But we had this massive argument and it's so horrible. Cause I'd leave her fighting. Like we wouldn't make up. But I used. But I didn't feel bad because the thing is, the next day she forgot she has no memory. She's. Morning, beautiful, my darling boogs. My nickname is Boogaloogs. Boog Boog Boogies. She's like, hey boogies, love you. What's happening today? And I'm like, oh, thank God she doesn't remember that because it got pretty nasty.
But you did, you remembered. So. So you're learning along the way to just let things go and not argue. And you don't need to be right.
And it's heartbreaking.
It's heartbreaking. Yeah. And your heart's hurting. Yeah, yeah. And so you've got to kind of retrain your own brain as their brain's not working properly. Right. That's the tricky thing, isn't it?
Having to think for two has been. And again, I just hate complaining. Cause it's like, fuck off, I've got so much worse than you. But for me, the executive dysfunction side and possibly my, I'm gonna say tisum side without wanting to trigger anyone. A lot of my friends have said I'm definitely, you know, on the autistic spectrum. But I'm not gonna go and get a test. Cause I don't have medication for that. And if I am, I am, I'm great. And I feel like it's a lot of my superpower anyway, whatever. But the executive dysfunction is real. So there are days when I'm sitting there like, okay, I've gotta get an invoice out. These people want to prop for a podcast and I've gotta get into that hyper focus mode. But then I'm looking at my to do list for my mum who now is completely incapable of doing anything and I'm like, shit, I haven't got the bond back from mum's old apartment. Oh God, I've got to switch electricity off for mum's place. So I've. Now I'm her mother and there's a sense of. I can't even mother myself sometimes.
Yeah. The admin of life is not good for. I'm not good at admin in life too. And managing my mum's admin, it just does my head in. The money, the stress of it all, the. Yes.
And mum keeps saying to me, are we okay? Are we okay for money? And I'm like, mum, we're fine. Like, you've got your savings in your super and.
But having to deal with all that is a lot for you when you're not even good at it for yourself. Oh, shit.
Yes.
Have a sip of your tea. I can't breathe human.
How do I human. I can't Human for two. I can only human for one.
I think you need to hire one of those. Apparently you can get a personal assistant overseas for really cheap.
And this week I needed one because the amount of little bits of admin I need to do. Like I'm getting hundreds of messages from beautiful listeners that really enjoyed hearing me on the radio and I. Maybe my ocd, maybe my ego. I'm getting back to every one of them because I want them to know that it means a lot to me that they tuned in and a lot of them have contacted the radio station directly and I'm like, thank you, that's great. I needed a VA this week because I'm also. This is the hilarity of my life with mum. I'm also getting a text from Mum. My neighbours, look at Marietta and Jenna and my girlfriend Tanya. And these three humans have come together in a way that I can't even repay them. Like as in to look after your
mum while you've been away.
We've got carers, but it's that when I say we've got. It's just the government funded ones that care.
You've got the aged care assessment and you've got the care in the home.
Yeah. Which is wonderful. But Marietta is my neighbour and so inevitably the poor woman has become my mum's go to in the last 10 days. Like literally. She had to help mum put a top on. She messaged me the other day, she goes, I've just been with your mum for an hour and a half. I got her addressed, made sure she took her meds, she forgot how to turn the TV on. And I went, are you what? Hold on.
This is her neighbour and your neighbour.
Cause your mum lives near you I don't. Mum lives downstairs. We're all in the same block. I said, I don't even do that for Mum. Since when does she need her clothes put on? I said, is she taking the piss? Like, is she?
Or maybe she's not. Great, because you're not there, so you've had a time away from her, so you're away from her for two weeks, which you. You know, to go and do this big job, but then you're worried about doing that, stressed while you're doing it, relying on friends and neighbours to look after your mum while you're not there.
And there's real guilt with that.
Yeah.
So I'm going to put some money into Marietta's account. She doesn't want me to, but I am, because I'm like you. You've gone above and beyond and that's. Yeah.
Isn't that lovely, though? Like, as you said, friendship. And we're jumping all over the place
here, but typical tangent meme, sorry, but
friendship is your family through all this. Your friends are your chosen family and without them, this, you do just go completely crazy, I think, at this time of your life. And you keep saying about complaining, it's not really complaining, it's sort of downloading. It's reaching out for help and reassurance and assistance so you're not alone in
it and not feeling like you're going crazy. And Because Jenna was there with her mum, right? Like, she did the palliative care and she would just tell me stories. Like, I just. She's like, bea, you are about to get in the thick of it. Shit's about to get real. Jenna texted me. So she stayed with. Stayed in my apartment on the weekend and she went down and visited Mum and she did all sorts of stuff, which was amazing. Like, you know, put things in places that were easier for her. She just. She's a carer by trade. Almost like she. She wants to do that full time. She doesn't think like me. So she. It was good. It was good. But she said to me, bea, she's. She's already digressed more. She's gonna. She's forgetting to swallow and chew, as in when I'm talking to her. And she said, she nearly choked twice.
That's usually happens in the late stages of dementia, right?
And I said, what do you. What do you mean? And she goes, She's. She goes, look, it's my fault. Cause I was. Jenna loves a chat. So Jenna would have been 100 miles an hour chatting. And Mum was trying to talk while she was eating.
And she said, oh, okay, you can't talk. So maybe it's because she was talking.
Yes, but a normal adult would swallow the food.
Yes.
Not a normal adult. You know what I mean? Someone that doesn't have dementia.
Yeah.
So those sort of things are very confronting when I get to.
And when they're out of their routine, they regress. And you being away. And so it sounds like. So you moved her to the apartment under you in this block of flats so you could be closer to her. And you really saw a decline when you moved her as well. Because. But moving house is one of the most stressful things in a person's life. So of course that's gonna cause her to have a bit of a decline. That's what always happens, I think. Cause they're out of their context, out of their familiarity, everything's different. But it also meant you were close by. You're just upstairs so you can zip in and out of her apartment. So, like, there's no easy way around this, is it?
There isn't. And in hindsight, being able to zip in and out sounded great on paper. But this is the problem. I'm very. If I'm in my ADHD hyper focus mode and I'm trying to bang out an article on Deadline or whatever, and I'm. And Mum's B, when are you coming down? Two minutes later. B, I need you to. I need. I can't remember how to put channel 7 on B. And I'm like, mum, I'll be there, just give me 15 minutes. Cause I'm right in the middle and I'll prompt down. I mean, obviously, pardon me, if it was an emergency, I'll go down. But it's, it's which channel?
On the tv, lots of little things.
I'm like, home and away hasn't started yet. So you're okay, Mum, she's obsessed with that now. Is that like a rite of passage when you get over 80? Fucking. So she would message me. And the problem is there's no such thing as popping into someone's apartment who has dementia.
No, you can't rush. You have to really be present. There's so many things to do. There's no popping in, there's no popping in. Everything slows down.
Because I get in there to just change the channel and there's flies around the bin and there's a barbecue chicken on the sink thing and I'm like, how long's that been out there? Oh, just. Oh, maybe last night. Okay, well, we're throwing that out. And all stuff had happened, she'd move things or the laundry. Like, I'd go, why did. Why have you moved all your meds in the blister pack to the dining table over there? You have them here every day. This is where they are in the kitchen. Cause I was panicking looking for them. Where are your meds? She's like, I don't know. And I'm like, mum. And then I look, finally found them on the dining table. I'm like, what? You never use the dining table? And then I'm like, why am I arguing with this woman? She's moved them. And guess what, Bea, she's gonna f.
Cking move them again. Cause you've gotta. Yeah. Because you still see them as them and who they were. It's really hard. Your brain's trying to adjust to it. If you're the one in the family that's lying awake worrying whether your mum or dad is okay. Australian Unity Home Health and Care was built for you. Its neighbourhood care model puts a dedicated care partner and a connected local team around your parents. People who actually know them, who know their community and can anticipate what is needed before it becomes urgent. It doesn't replace you, but it means someone you trust is there when you can't be. Visit australianunity.com auclubsandwich so do you think though, then she's gonna have to go into care soon? Like, are you starting to think about that or whether you can keep managing, whether she can manage and because you can't be there 24 7.
No, I can't. I. I would like to keep her in that apartment for as long as possible. We've been. Just got approved. So when we first applied for the acat, it took ages to even get an assessment. And then it took ages to funding this time around. And we're the same lady. Which was cool. Cause it was nice that she could see the decline in Mum. It was like, oh, you know, we're not just making this shit up. You can see it. She came. So we applied on the whatever. A week later she came. And then five days later we got a text saying, you've been approved. And then I rang them and said, what does that mean? What does that. You've been approved for level eight. So there's new levels now. Used to go from four, I think up to four.
Yeah.
Now.
Oh, and now it's level. There's an eight. There's a level eight. Okay.
So that's high care.
She's Getting a lot of help, but not yet. So she's been approved.
Oh, so you're in the gap phase. And this is where your friends, your army of friends are really stepping in for you.
If I go away, I mean, if I.
If you go away, Yeah.
I think Mum's a lot better when I'm there too. You know, she's not as needy. She can be very. She's always been a bit weird like that with me, with getting jealous, like. But the dementia's sending her a bit crazy with that.
So she's got personality changes.
Oh, my God. She'd be like, I heard if I don't come straight downstairs, she'll go, who have you got up there? Who's up there? And I'm like, oh, Mum, I wish. There's some hot guy called Josh. He's the uber delivery guy. We've been shagging all week. There is no one up there, Mum. There is no one up there. But she's like, I heard whispers, you don't want to be with me, you don't want to hang out. So there's all that. And also Mum was diagnosed with bipolar a long time ago.
Right.
Not the one one or two One. The one that's not as intense. Can't remember if it's bipolar one, but
she's got mental health issues.
Very much so.
You've got a real trifecta there. You have got a multi level layered sandwich. Okay.
It is a cluster fluff.
Yeah.
And Mum threatens to kill herself. Oh, God, sorry. Trigger warning. Mum threatens to kill herself. When I say you might need to go into care. Because also the problem is when I say that I'm an asshole because I usually say it when, you know, there's. She's eating her food, she's accidentally. Cause the blister pack instead of in the blister pack. Putting her nighttime meds at bedtime. They've accidentally put her sleeping tablets at dinner. So my. Not their fault. I should have made that clear. Mum's taking a sleeping tablet at dinner. So she's sitting there eating her food, starting to go like this. And I'm like, mum. So food's going everywhere, she can't turn the TV on this, that she's.
The TV's a really hard one.
The TV is a mate.
Have you seen there's a special dementia
control, the universal remote? Yeah, I've got one.
You've got one.
Just haven't had a chance to program it in yet. I keep going to do it and something happens. She's scared Living on her own now.
Yes.
That was never. She's petrified. She put her trolley up against the spare room door to stop an intruder. A little trolley. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm like, mum, you might. You might need to go into full time care because I don't want you to be scared and I can't be here with you all the time because then I'm gonna lose my mind.
Yeah. And this is the thing, like. So, yeah, you've got it all going on. There's all these emotions and then you kind of go thinking, okay, am I going crazy here?
Oh, yeah.
Like you worry about your own mental health. Really? About. Yeah. And the stress on you and what that will do to your own mental health. Because if you go down, then she's royally stuffed.
That's the thing. And that's why I said to her this week, I need you to back off a bit and lean on my friends this week. Because this is a really important week for my career, possibly, I don't know. And I need to focus. And so she's been really good and not texted much, which is. But then she sent one yesterday. I miss you. I miss you. And I'm a little heart broke. Cause I thought I would have loved to have heard that when I was 14, you know, from her. But I mean, I don't want to paint her out. She was a bloody good mum. She loved me to death. She just wasn't cut out to be a mum.
She couldn't be there for. She just couldn't. Cause of her own mental health problems.
She was. No, she held down jobs and all of that, but she was just very like. When I went to live with her, the fridge had a Picture of Elle McPherson Drinking Diet Coke as her body like, you know. Cause she has body dysmorphia. She's this big and she thinks she's fat. It's just crazy.
Actually.
It's not crazy. I don't want to dismiss it. It's a very real serious mental health problem. There was hummus, celery and aline cuisine in the fridge. And she'd been shopping, that's what was in the fridge. And I was like, are you trying to put me on a diet? And she wasn't. But that's just. She had no idea what I did.
So you've got that thing. And I think we've talked about this on the podcast that sometime. And we did this for Mother's Day. We did a special episode and we were talking to Jo Lamball our psychologist and she said it is particularly hard. Yeah. She's great for people whose mothers didn't care for them. They didn't get that kind of nurturing. And then you're in the situation where you're nurturing and caring for them, how they didn't do it for you. And in some ways that's amazing and all power to you and possibly that's healing, but it's also pretty kind of triggering and hurtful because you must be
sometimes going, oh, yeah, I get so angry. I.
It's a huge responsibility.
And then she starts crying.
Yeah.
And she's like, I'm sorry, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to. I just. I'm a burden and I don't want to die. Just get me some tablets. Like, literally. And I'm like, mama. So I hug her and I stroke her and she's all frail and her little head's all starting to bald, you know? God. And I'm just. I hug her and I go, you know what? It is healing because I am hugging her makes me want to cry. I'm hugging her and I'm also hugging this little. I'm hugging little Annie that had a really rough childhood and she's just got so many hang ups and insecurities and we all do, but she's just got these. A lot of trauma from her childhood.
Yes. So you're hugging.
I'm hugging little Annie. I'm not hugging this crazy woman with dementia that's being an asshole that tells me fuck off or whatever. And I'm hugging this little broken human that just wants to be loved unconditionally. And it's like, it is so healing.
It is. Because you can see her as this full person with her own background and her own limitations and her own trauma. And maybe you're hugging yourself a bit too in that because. And for the wounding that you felt, your mum wasn't there for you. And perhaps that is healing that you can do that for her because it is. You're kind of breaking that cycle.
Yep. I've had now three friends and Jenna's one of them who nursed her mother until she literally was there while her mother said her last words. And they said, I promise you, if you're there for her and you take as much time as you can to care for her, it will be exhausting. But I promise you, you will come out the other side. And it's like a biblical, like, you will learn so much about yourself. You will learn yes, it's hard, but if you. They're basically saying, you will regret it. Because of the person I am, a lot of people can just pop their parents into a home and they're okay with it. I thought I would be that person. I honestly would joke with her and go, oh, Mum, I can't wait till you go to a nursing home. You're pissing me off. It's gonna be great. Just piss off and go away. But now that she's so frail and her eyes look up at me like. Like I'm so scared. The world terrifies her now. She won't go out without me. The thought of putting her in a place like that, it breaks me because I think and I'm really proud that I'm that person. Not to talk myself up, but I mean, I'm really proud. And I guess that's what they say about you. Learn a lot about yourself. Because I thought I would be the cold ass bitch. I thought, korea, mum, you're gonna have to go on home because it's all about me and I don't feel that way. I want to be there for her as much as I can and I don't want to just put her in a home. Cause she will crumble.
Yeah. She will not handle it. You've learnt so much.
Yeah.
You've learned that you've got this capability and resilience and power of just looking after someone else that you didn't even know you had. But listen, I gotta say, if it gets to the stage where she is really unsafe and you are losing your mind, I have to. You're gonna have to do it.
And you did an episode, didn't you?
On.
Cause I need to.
We did one on aged care.
When you know. But when you know the moment when
you know, it's when it's unsafe. And you have people that will be around you and the doctors that you talk to and the carers that are helping you with your mum from the aged care assessment process. So you'll have allies in this and when it does come to it, yeah, it's a whole process and it's pretty hurtful. But you know, the other thing is we did an episode about aged care and my mum's in aged care now and they are places of a lot of love. There is care. There is love. Bad name. In a lot of. If you can find a good one, take the time. In fact, I think you should start looking now.
I know, that's what makes sense.
I know you're really busy. No no, no. But I would start looking now without her and just assessing them and listen to that episode about what to look for. Do the sniff test. You don't want a smelly one.
Oh, yeah, I remember my grandma's one. It used to smell of Dettol.
And what you're looking for is the community. What you're looking for is the care. And you might. She might surprise you. But if it comes to that, what else do you do? Do you move in with her and become her nurse 24 hours a day? You can't give up your entire incidence. It sounds like I couldn't. You're pushed to the max at the moment.
So I think I. You know what I think I'd do. So we've been approved for this high care, which is around 76 grand, which is amazing.
Wow.
So I feel like I want to keep her at home until. With that care as soon as it comes through. Fingers crossed it comes through soon. If that can allow us a carer every day. Because at the moment we've got three days a week, sometimes four if I'm away. If that allowed a carer every day, I reckon I can keep her out of a home for a bit longer.
Great.
So fingers crossed that's all you can do.
All you can do is do the best that you can do and hold your head up high and be proud of yourself that you are doing that for her. Especially when. Yeah, it was tricky for her to. She didn't really mother you for all those years. So it's pretty. It's pretty incredible.
Like, good on you. Thank you.
There's a lot going on there. There's a lot going on there. And I think this stuff's never easy if your mum's just a sweet little contented lady in the rocking chair and full of love. But for people where it's triggering, it's much harder and it's complicated.
It is complicated.
And all power to you. Good luck. Check back in. I think you need to check in with Vera and get a Vera guide. Or actually. Or a Violet guide. Yeah. Because they're sort of like guardian angels that can talk your way through this. You can get your own counseling under the carers gateway. You are allowed to get counselling.
I can get counselling? Yes.
Okay.
Because I was. You need to do that, the 1,800 dimension number. Because I did have. Bring that as well when I was really not well.
Check out Dementia Australia. They specialise in this sort of stuff. You can get counselling yourself and they get you and they Hear you and they understand you. I mean, much like this podcast is trying to do. But that's just one on one for you and you can go for hours. So I think you need to do all that and you're gonna have to look after yourself because, yeah, you've gotta
put your own oxygen mask on first. I know.
I realise that if you lose, fall apart.
She's just toast. Totally toast. I know. So I wanna thank you for doing this podcast. Cause I just. I just think I've listened to a few eps and it's just beautiful. It's just nice to have a very peeled back, organic, authentic chat. Because I don't like to sugarcoat what's going on with Mum. I'm like, no, the whole point is you need to know what you're in for. Cause no one warned me. When I was in my 30s, the thought of me looking after my mother was absolutely not on the car ever.
Yeah, it's like so many things. We can never see this stuff happening in our future. But people were talking about it. We just probably weren't listening. You weren't listening.
I was clubbing and hitting on guys and going to interview Madonna in Tokyo
and I was like, now you're in this club.
I know I'm in this club. I love it. I don't need fake ideas.
You're just driving along in the car with your mother singing Madonna.
Yes.
And that's about as close as we get to it. But that's the club that we're in. Bianca, Jai, thank you so much.
Sorry, I will shut up now.
No, you need to just. Thanks for having me. You need to look after yourself. Thanks for coming in and all the best and love to your mum. And you're amazing friends. Like what a powerful group of great chicks you've got around you. And that's.
I would be nothing without them. Marietta, Jenna and beautiful Tanya. And Karen. Oh my God, Karen as well. I'd be this week without them, so. I love you guys.
They're the best. The power of friendship, that's everything in this space. Thanks, Bianca.
Thank you.
Please email us if you would like to suggest topics that we can Talk about@hellolubsandwich.com We would love to hear from you. Check out our Facebook, our Instagram, message us on that. And there's a bit of a community gathering as well. And send this episode to a friend if they have a parent with dementia. And they are going through a lot right now because I think it'll be really helpful.
Yeah. So, yeah, yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
But it is because it's nice to know someone else is struggling too. That's right. We're not alone.
Yeah, we're. We're a quiet army. We're not always so quiet, but, yeah, hear us through all. So, yeah, while you've got them, we have got you. Today's episode was supported by Australian Unity Home Health and Care, proactive local care that helps your parents stay independent and living well at home. Visit australianunity.comauclubsandwich
hey, clubbers, if you're lying awake at 3am and you're running through that mental to do list, mum's appointment, your kids hecs debt, your own exhaustion, and you're thinking, houston, we have a problem. But you're not even sure what the problem is anymore. That's exactly why we've built Vera. This is a free 15 minute AI voice conversation that gives you a really structured and steady look at where your parents stand and how you're traveling as you care for them and everything else. Vera is grounded in real clinical frameworks, but it's going to feel like a pretty natural human conversation for you and it ends with a personalized guide. So instead of all that vague 2am anxiety, you've got some clarity and you've got some practical next steps. Access Vera 75. It's free, it's in the show notes and you can also find it at Vera Guide.