"I'm alright, sweetheart": When an ageing parent won't accept help | Prue Bowden | Club Sandwich
"I'm alright, sweetheart. No, I don't need help." Every one of us has heard it.
Prue Bowden runs home care for 50,000 Australian families, which makes her the person everyone corners at parties to ask about a parent who won't accept a thing. Today, she's in the chair talking about what to actually do next.
Ageing parents? You've got them. We've got you.
Content note: this episode covers ageing parents, dementia, hospital decline and loneliness. For support: Carer Gateway 1800 422 737. My Aged Care 1800 200 422 (myagedcare.gov.au). Dementia Australia's National Dementia Helpline 1800 100 500, 24/7 (dementia.org.au). Lifeline 13 11 14, 24/7.
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In this episode:
The Conversation: Prue Bowden, Group CEO of Home Health at Australian Unity, joins Sarah Macdonald to talk about what actually keeps a parent at home — starting with her own mum and dad, in their late seventies, still sailing and still walking the dog, and the conversations she and her sister are already having about flat landings and handrails.
From there: the loneliness hiding inside "we want to keep her at home", now the banks have closed and the shopping has moved online; the eighteen-month-to-two-year wait for home care support and why you start the assessment before you think you need it; what care workers actually notice when they're in the house; why superannuation was designed to be spent; and what she'd say to a stretched, guilty listener, one carer to another.
This Week's Hack: Start the assessment before you think you need it. The wait for home care support runs 18 months to two years, so the time to get on the list is while your mum or dad is still well and still saying they're fine. And if they won't hear it from you, get the GP on side — a clinician saying it often lands where a daughter saying it doesn't.
Send this to: the sibling who keeps saying "she's fine, she'd tell us if she wasn't" — and anyone who's been told "I'm all right, sweetheart" one too many times.
A moment that stays: Sarah tells Prue she's the doctor at the party — the one everyone corners about a bad back, except it's always a parent who won't accept help. Prue's parents, meanwhile, are in their late seventies and doing their weights. "Everyone's doing weights."
Meet the regular Clubbers:
Melissa Reader — CEO of Vera and expert on Australia's ageing crisis.
Jo Lamble — Clinical psychologist specialising in guilt and family dynamics.
Dr Ginni Mansberg — GP and women's health advocate who tells it straight.
Dr Stephanie Ward — Geriatrician helping you understand when "old" becomes a crisis.
Kerry Milligan — Gogglebox star bringing humour and honesty to the sandwich generation.
About Prue Bowden: Group CEO, Home Health at Australian Unity, leading the team supporting around 50,000 home care customers around the country.
Topics covered in this episode:
- What to do when a parent refuses help, and when to accept that no means no
- The loneliness that comes with ageing at home, and why it's rising alongside dementia
- Preparing the family home early — flat landings, handrails, the flat way in
- The 18-month to two-year wait for home care support, and starting the assessment early
- What home care workers actually notice, and why they're the first to know
- Superannuation, means testing, and the families caught in the middle
- Staying at home with dementia, and why institutional care can't be the only answer
- Lifespan versus healthspan, and why strength training in your seventies matters
This episode was supported by Australian Unity, home health and care services — australianunity.com.au/clubsandwich.
With thanks to NSW Trustee and Guardian — search NSW Trustee and Guardian, or call 1300 10 20 30.
Vera is your candid companion as you care for an ageing parent. Have a look at https://vera.guide.
FACES (Families for Aged Care Equity and Support) is a family-led campaign asking for one honest count of the number of people waiting for their aged care funding and the people who die while they're waiting. Add your name at vera.guide/faces.
Put The Kettle On — Vera's free conversation guide: the five questions worth asking your ageing mum or dad, at putthekettleon.com.au
Credits:
Sarah Macdonald – Host + Executive Producer
Melissa Reader – Commissioning Editor, Executive Producer + Clubber
Justin McArthur – Executive Producer + Editor, for P. Zinner Podcasts (https://pzinner.com.au)
Thanks and kudos to Sean Wayland for our theme music Club Sandwich — hear more at https://seanwayland.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Transcript
This podcast is recorded on Wurundjeri land. We recognise elders, past and present, and pay our respects. Always was, always will be, Aboriginal land. Club Sandwich is brought to you by Australian Unity Home Health and Care, Helping Australian families keep their parents well, independent and at home for longer. Visit australianunity.com auclubsandwich. Club Sandwich is brought to you by New South Wales Trustee and Guardian. Helping families across New South Wales make a will, plan ahead and protect the people they love. Search New South Wales Trustee and Guardian or call 1300-10-2030. Hello, welcome to Club Sandwich. Now, this is the podcast for you if you don't spend as much time in your own home as you'd like to, because you're often helping your parent or parents stay in their home as long as they can. This is what we're gonna talk about on the podcast episode today and you're gonna get real insights from the people who hopefully can help you keep your parents at home as long as they would like to do so. Prue Bowden is the group CEO of Home Health at Australian Unity, so she runs au's home care programs. Welcome to Club Sandwich.
Thank you for having me.
Are you in the sandwich yourself?
Not quite yet, but I do have parents who are ageing and am working actively with them to prepare for their third of life.
Yeah, well, you know so much. You're probably really good at helping the parents who are still going well get ready for a period when they won't be going so well.
Absolutely, absolutely.
So what have you said to them?
So I'm really fortunate. My parents are both still very active. You know, my dad sails a couple of times a week and my mum adores her dog and walks very actively every day, but they live at home and they have a big home. And so we have very open conversations, my sister and I, with them, about what staying at home longer looks like. They absolutely want to age in place. They don't want to go to aged care or retirement village. And so we've looked at their home layout. We've had open conversations about where they might need to adjust their living space, move to a different bedroom in the house, which is on a flat landing,
because they've got stairs.
They've got stairs. They've got a bathroom near the sort of back of the house that is a larger size that could support wheelie walkers or handrails and all those things over time. And the back of the house has a flat sort of entry from the rear, so they're shopping in and out all of those really functional things you need to think about to age at home for longer.
Because they're in their 70s.
Because they're in their late 70s.
Right, late 70s. So you're already kind of hyper alert to those stairs aren't gonna work. Can you have some railings here?
Yeah, yeah.
And they're okay with that?
Not right now, but they. No.
But even talking about it.
Yes, they're totally okay to talk about it. And I guess the benefit of me being in the aged care sector and seeing firsthand what not being prepared looks and feels like for a family, I am pretty persistent. And so even if they're not really wanting to have the conversation, we engage in it anyway because it absolutely matters to be prepared.
Well, look, you see this playing out. Yes. As you said in so many different families. And so you're hyper aware for yourself. What have you learned that really has helped you understand the people that your organisation cares for and assists as you've been in this job? What's the thing we don't see about what's going on for them?
I think the thing that is most hidden is the very real consequences of loneliness. And even if you have family and you have supportive family, being on your own at home and ageing at home can be incredibly isolating. And that has very real consequences on people's mental health, on their physical health and just how they, on their general well being. And I think as a society we need to pay more attention, attention to how we not only support our parents, but also the people in our community who often don't have supportive families around them to care for them. And so, you know, gone are the days where, you know, people can be in their local community and go to the bank and do all those things that used to have a person in person interaction more and more is moving to digital experiences and the small daily events that actually add human connection into someone's life are becoming less and less so for me, it's the reality of loneliness and it's the fact that our social infrastructure as a country is really not set up to respond to that and then overlay the rising sort of risk of dementia. Loneliness and dementia, which are linked, aren't they? Which are absolutely linked.
The lonelier you are, the more likely,
the more likely you are to develop dementia. With the aging population that's in front of us, we have to have a very different conversation about our collective community responsibility to care for older Australians in our local areas.
That's so, so true. Because one of the things about staying at home for Longer, like your parents want to do. And like so many. You know, it's very rare that people go, yes, I'd love to go to an aged care facility. It doesn't really happen. But the whole thing. One of the reasons people want to stay at home longer is this is their community. They have got connections to it. They do know it, hopefully. Yeah. They probably don't have a bank anymore, but they might have a shop.
Local shop. Or the hairdresser or the.
Yes, exactly.
The small things.
But you're saying that there can also be great loneliness by staying at home. That might be alleviated by going into care, because there'll always be people around you there.
Yeah. And look, that's where you see families making the decisions to move into retirement villages earlier. Because you still have independence, you still have your individual place, but you. You are much more locally connected to people who are, you know, experiencing the same stage of life and enjoy the same sort of social events together. So that is a pathway for some people, but others who choose to stay in their domestic home, then we have to think differently around how we support them. Not just the family members, but us as a broader community.
Absolutely. Like reaching out to older people in the street and having a chat, saying hi.
Yeah. Sometimes that's the only interaction. Yeah.
All day.
Yes.
We haven't really talked about loneliness on the podcast. Thank you for bringing it up. I mean, how would you know if your parent is lonely? Because often they try and cover it up. I'm fine, darling.
All's good. Yes. But when you leave and close the door, it's a long day at home on your own. And if you haven't got interest groups or friends in the local community or even pets that kind of create connection and moments of interaction, then, yeah, you can. So I, I think you've got to find ways to draw it out. If your parent does live on their
own, how are you feeling? Do you ever get lonely? Tell me about that. And then helping them maintain those social connections. But as you said, that digitally enforced loneliness is real because everything's so online now, they don't know how to use. Can be an absolute nightmare.
Absolutely.
So just keeping the old phone to ring, friends with, numbers, programs, keeping the phone.
And in our business, we try and find ways improve the experience for our customers and prepare for the next generation of customers coming through who will expect a more digital experience. But you always have to make sure you've got the human in the loop in the right moments. And oftentimes our customers will call because they Want to have a discussion or an interaction because they're lonely. Because they're lonely. And so you have to be able to cater for that capacity, either through your care coordination team or through your. So your sort of your concierge or your reception team or the people you're
sending into the homes, they're helping. They're not just doing the washing or whatever they needed to be done, are they?
They are eyes in the home. They're observing the food in the fridge, they're observing, you know, the layout of the home, they're observing the person and their deterioration. They are. They are absolutely the front line of our defence.
And they're having a chat.
And they're having a chat making them feel less lonely.
They're human and social interaction.
Absolutely.
So are they trained in that or you just got a lot of chatty.
People who do this work are attracted to it because they are all about care and caregiving and that requires seeing the person and, you know, spending those moments in the small interactions. And it's an incredibly important role in our society. And something I think, again, is a bigger conversation for us to have about how we continue to attract the quality carers that we need to support the number of people who are going to need to age at home in the future, because there won't be enough residential aged care beds or retirement villages to accommodate the demand.
So what, we need 10,000? We've talked about this before, we need 10,000 a year. Last year we've got 800 new beds. So, you know, that 9,200 number that's being fulfilled by the sandwich generation helping their parent at home, or carers that need.
Or businesses like ours where we provide the social supports, the domestic supports, right through to acute clinical care in the home. And that's just going to be needed at a different scale over the next decade.
How acute can you provide help in the home? Like how. I don't want to use the word bad, but how, you know, how many needs can someone have and still be at home?
Yeah, I mean, it comes down to a combination of, you know, comorbidities, how many different conditions a customer may have. When we do a hospital in the home where we actually treat chronic diabetes, we have virtually nurses who monitor and help people to live with their condition with agency. We have remote heart monitoring. So, again, we're making sure that that person can live comfortably at home without needing to present to an emergency department. If the virtual nurse can interact and support with the cardiologist, we have complex wound nurses, we do IV medication and management and we do a lot of post hospital admission, so rehab in the home.
That's so important because our hospitals are, you know, bursting at the moment.
They're absolutely bursting and people go into hospital because we haven't necessarily got the frontier right. We're not helping them live with functional independence, we're not investing before a fall event. And therefore older Australians end up in hospitals and they decondition, their body deteriorates so in the hospital. So even in a perfect world, when they're medically fit to discharge, if they haven't got the supports at home, then they just further deteriorate in the hospital and then end up having no pathway other than into residential age care.
And then they could be waiting in the hospital for that up to long time, a year, which is just crazy. So you mentioned a fall there and you know, this is the thing, we kind of want to make sure that that doesn't happen, that people can stand up in hospital for a year. What do you kind of find is the biggest problem that we can be forewarned about so that it doesn' tip into crisis?
I think it's start, start before you think you need it, like you are with your parents, like I am with my parents. Because if you're standing behind beside a hospital bed, it's way too late. If your loved one has a fall, even if they're in hospital for a short stay and they manage to pathway back to home. When you've had a fall event, your confidence, your level of can diminish kind of over time. So if you haven't already got yourself into the system or been assessed for care or started even with the fundamentals, then it's actually a very long wait time before help starts to arrive. Friends and family kind of come towards me because they know the work that I do and I encourage them all to start that assessment process.
You're like the doctor at a party where people go, I've got about that,
just go, you're at a party.
And they go, I've got a parent who won't get help. So what's your message for that person? I'm all right, sweetheart, No, I don't need help. I mean, it's so hard to know what they will know ahead of time because the cues are so long. So you do the assessment. I think in six months time my mum might need this. I mean, should you project into the future and how do you try to get that parent to think it's not for now so much, it's when we can actually get at the end of the waiting list and get you assessed.
Well, I think if you can, if you're financially able to fund your own care, then I think your level of choice and control is very different than if you're needing to rely on supports from the government funding. If you require the government funding to live independently or to be able to kind of transition to care, then you need to start to plan early. And it's just the simple math. The wait time is 18 months to two years. So if you're not getting yourself for care in the home, for care in the home, you're not getting yourself assessed or thinking about what that process looks and feels like when you need it, it doesn't mean it's going to arrive straight away. And if you, as an individual or as a family member, haven't started to think about how you financially prepare for that stage, then you're in a really difficult bind. So my two really clear pieces of advice are be really clear on what you can afford and what support you need. If you need government assistance to access care in the home, then really start to understand the process and the steps for assessing your need early.
Yeah, I had a friend help me with my mum for a couple of years, a couple of days a week, and we just paid for it because the wait was so long. But we were lucky that we could do that. My mum could afford that. And I want to talk about money, but you know, that, that. I think there was a study about a million Australians having to make emergency care decisions in hospitals. So if this has happened to you and you're feeling guilty about it, you're not alone. Like, this is what happens.
Right? Yeah. And look at a macro level, our infrastructure in this country, whilst we've got great healthcare and great aged care systems, the two things operate as silos. And really, in the next decade, in order to better help families and better plan for this ageing demand, we have to get those two systems to interact and intersect, because it's actually not about more funding, it's about using the funding that we've got in a more efficient way across the healthcare and the aged care system. So at large, you know, as a community, we've got to work through that, but in the small moments in the households, there are things you can do to better plan for that bedside moment. So you have options.
Yeah. And I think on that, 70% said, I wish we'd actually sooner. So, of course, I mean, that's what, that's what happens.
Yeah. And that's what organizations like Australian Unity and our Home Health Team are all there to help people with the navigation because it is complex and. But spending some time with people who really understand the sector and who have seen what's worked well for other families is kind of the best place to start.
Yeah, it's really complex and it does your head in. You feel like you need a university degree in this, so you need a bit of a tutor that you can get along the way.
Yes, you can get that.
Yeah, yeah. There's a season that every family eventually hits when a parent dies and on top of the grief, someone has to be the executor, Read the will, value the estate, chase the paperwork, settle it all. And it always seems to land on the person with the least room to carry it. You don't have to do that part alone. NSW Trustee and Guardian can guide you through being an executor or take the administration off your hands entirely. Search New South Wales Trustee and Guardian or call 1301-020-30. As we know, wealth has been shifting towards older Australians having more money than young. How is that showing up for families that you're helping?
Look, I think it's definitely a behavioural mindset shift we've got to make as individual families. But then as a broader economy, I think the intention behind superannuation to be able to really fund your retirement, people are not using it generally for the purpose that it's been set out for, which is really helping people live in their retirement years well and for, you know, as long as possible. That's why the conversations at home matter. And if we started to access superannuation in those ways, then people will have a different way to come around.
And if you haven't used your super in retirement and you're going in and you need help in the home, then you're using it for aged care. Yes, but I think it's sort of often the ones in the middle that are the ones that are struggling perhaps, don't you. You get the government funding if you need it, if you've got the money, you can spend it. But I think people in the middle are feeling very stretched, very stretched.
I mean, you just think about just the rising cost of living. I mean, there's really tough stories during the winter months where people have make hard choices between continuing their care or, you know, keeping the heating on. I mean, that's the reality. Some of the co contributions that have started to come through with support at home and they're the right changes. But It's a pretty stark introduction for some customers where the family wallet or the personal wallet doesn't go very far and you do have to make choices and trade offs and.
But if you don't have heating in the winter and you live, you know, say, Melbourne, where we are now, it's
a very real thing.
But that's gonna make them sick.
Yes, that.
When my mum's heating broke once, she was so unwell and she just got sicker and sicker because of the lack of heating.
Yeah, yeah. But unfortunately there are families and individuals that find themselves in those circumstances. I do think there are other ways we have to support families to save for aged care in the future.
The system is groaning, isn't it?
It is really groaning.
And with the baby boomers starting to turn 80, we're going to have to pump more and more resources into this to keep people at home to get one of those rare age beds if they can find one, because not everybody can stay at home. And especially with dementia that you mentioned before, we are going to need more dementia beds, aren't we, in aged care?
We are, we are. But there's a reality of how long it takes for those beds to be built and there's also the sustainability of the, the providers to be able to run those facilities is all of those things. So you can't plan on capacity being available. We also have to think about how do you, how do we create ways to support more complex scenarios in a home or in a community environment?
Talk to us about dementia then, and parents staying at home with dementia and how long before that becomes untenable can you stay at home with dementia with support in the home?
You can. It's a very individual scenario. It depends on the type of dementia, it depends on the family supports that are around, depends on the sort of local, you know, the neighbours, for instance, can be, you know, it's all of the frontiers that are available to a family in their defence mechanisms to make sure that that person lives safely at home. So there's no one answer. But to think that every older Australian who suffers from dementia will need to be institutionalised in care is a very false philosophy, because there won't be enough, there won't be enough capacity to be able to support that. When you think about the rising rates of dementia over the next decade. So again, we have to think differently around how we solve that problem and what are the different models of care and mechanisms or family support models to enable people living with dementia to remain in the community.
Meanwhile, you think about all this overload on your brain and what it's doing to your own chances of dementia when you're in the sandwich generation. I think about this all the time. You've done some really interesting research on the sandwich generation. The carers that are looking after their parents. What have you found about how they're going?
So that sort of age demographic where people are caring for their families, caring for their children, they have lower levels, levels of wellbeing than the older Australians. They're the kind of parents generation. And I think that's simply because of the pressures of today's society. It's the all roads leading to that individual or to those parents to be able to manage life's complexities. You know, we are very ambitious at that point in our careers. You know, we have growing families, we have responsibilities. And then you have, you know, older parents that also need care and support, plus all the other events in life.
We know, we know. You know, there's all that happiness you curve, isn't there? Yes. But you do know that the only way is up when you get past through all this. Apparently there's a lot of happiness to come.
Yes, yeah, there's.
You're. Hang on to that.
Yeah, yeah, that's right. Your third, third of life is a great place to be. Yes. And that's why you've got, you've got to invest, you've got to invest in. And how you prepare for that. It just, we can't just arrive, you know, so how you mentally prepare, how you physically prepare, you know, how you maintain your health and your fitness and your functional mobility, all of those things give you the best chance to live and be well at home.
So busy. That's the problem. You let your own health go, you let your own exercise go. But yeah, you gotta get those weights.
You've gotta, gotta get those weights. Yes, absolutely. We've got, particularly us females, we've gotta get the weights, we've got to get going.
Yes, exactly.
Makes a huge difference, you know, and that at the heart of the, all of these aged care reforms is this philosophy of early intervention and prevention. And we have to get behind that and have to, we have to fundamentally see aging as a way to advance and have the independence that we so desire. But we've had this sort of, this mindset of deterioration and our healthcare systems and our aging systems are all built to intervene when people are at their most frail. And so fundamentally reimagining how we start those services, starting with functional mobility, starting with physiotherapy, in the home, even when you're, well, strengthening, that's the place to start, rather than with domestic support, cleaning in the home, personal care, because at that point you're already in the decline curve.
And then when you get the help, perhaps you might notice your parent, then
it's compensatory support as opposed to supports to maintain your independence.
So you're thinking that with your parents as well. I mean, you said your dad's sailing, your mum's really active with the dog, so you're keeping an eye on them, that they're doing all of those things.
Yeah. And they go and do their strength and their weights.
Are they doing weights?
I love it.
Everyone's doing weights.
Yes. Because it truly does mean that your likelihood of a fall is much lower if you've got strong.
Absolutely. I mean, you keep talking about the future and how it looks pretty tricky with all of these complex, you know, aging population and all of this policy that's needed and beds that are needed. Is there anything that gives you hope for the future, like that's optimistic for this? Are we starting to do those early interventions that we need to kind of help people age better?
I mean, there's loads of reasons to be optimistic, I think. I think even though our systems are imperfect, that we still have quality healthcare and aged care in this country. So there's lots to sort of build forward from.
It could be a lot worse. Yeah, that's right.
It could be a lot worse. We are a lot more fortunate than many other countries. And I think there's the reality that most families care. They care for their own ageing journey and they care for their parents ageing journey. And so the more people are invested in planning and preparing, then I think we're going to have more seamless transitions into retirement in the years ahead. And the customers or the, you know, the people aging in the future, in these next five to ten years will come through with a different level of agency than the customers of today and perhaps yesterday. Because we are my generation, my, even my parents, they've spent time investing in their health, they've spent time preparing and thinking about what retirement looks like.
So you think they might be able to age a bit better, the baby boomers?
I think, I think absolutely.
But you're still going to, even if you extend your life by doing all this work, you're still going to have that period of frailty and ill health at the end.
Always. I mean, you can't.
And that's just putting that off, isn't it? We're going to live till 100 instead of.
It's about lifespan. It's about making sure your lifespan and your, your health span, you know, start to match up. So we don't want a lifespan and a health span to be materially mismatched because then, yes, you know, you live, you're living, you're living with frailty and you're living now, and that's what's happening now. But, but you can't, you can't get those things into a closer proximity unless you start to plan and prepare and invest in your health and wellbeing when you can.
Is that your message to the sandwich generation?
That is, that is, yeah.
You've got to look after yourself because you're going to be like your parent day.
Yeah.
And your kids, if you've got kids, are gonna be in this spot themselves. I think about that all the time. It's made it very clear to me that I need to think about this and get ready because I wanna make sure that my kids don't have to struggle with this too much.
Yeah. And you've worked so hard all your life that you wanna make sure when you get into retirement and you're able to do the things you love and to have the enjoyment that you so deserve.
Yeah, that's right.
But your ability to access that comes down to your ability to live independently, to live well, to be functionally mobile. And that requires you doing what you need to do for your health in your 50s and 60s. You don't start in your 70s saying, Now I need to think about how I get my health and my stability. Right. For ageing. You've got to start now.
Okay. So if you're caring for your parent, make sure you take some time, a couple of days a week to lift some weights or lift their shopping bags.
Make sure they're being active. Yeah. It's just participation in life. Be active, maintain that activity. Think about social connection because that's just as important. And try and find the ways to smoke out the conversation in the small moments when it comes to loneliness. But also be very intentional about thinking about what are all the options and all the things we need to plan for as people start to. As your parents or yourself starts to age.
Yeah, yeah. It's a, it's a big job.
Yeah.
But you know, I kind of don't like the whole self care. We think we talk about it, but it's looking after yourself along the way. It is the thing that falls away.
Yeah.
I feel like I've being in the Sandwich generation has aged me, honestly, I really do. The stress of it, the 15 years of it.
Yeah.
The constancy of it, I feel. I mean, I've also aged, but it is. I feel it's aged me more. And that's quite a confronting thought. So thinking about how we do it differently, because it is inevitable that we
will at some stage. But it's an absolute privilege, too, to care for your parents or older Australians in the community. Like, everyone's time will come. So I think we've just got to treat people in a way that we're gonna want to be treated when we reach that stage in life. So, yes, it can feel pressure and stressful and all of those things, but it's important to keep remembering why we do what we do.
And for your workers who are helping the parents of the sandwich generation, they are an ally, I suppose, for that child, aren't they? Those carers that. That are stepping in when you can't be.
Oh, absolutely, yeah, absolutely. And they are advocates for every one of those customers. They are their fiercest advocates at times, you know, and making sure that they get the support that they need. They spend a lot of time interacting with the families and they support the family members just as much as they support the end customer.
Can you ask them for advice and go, oh, I think Mum, you know, I'm worried about Mum. What do you think?
Yeah, they do. I mean, they have all their professional boundaries, but they make sure that privacy
must be a factor.
Of course, yeah, yeah. But they are there to support the family and the customer as well. It's an incredibly complex time for many families and I think finding an organisation and people who really, you know, sort of have long history and deep understanding in this sector can make all the difference.
Yeah, because we're not trained in it. We're doing a job not trained for.
Yeah, no.
So we can learn a lot from those who are. If we have help in the home with our parents.
But if anything else in life, you know, if you need to deal with any particular matter, whether it's accounting or whether it's, I don't know, any sort of professional service, you need to go on, you have to buy it in. You have to, you know, take in the advice. You have to do your own plans and preparations and aged care is no different. So it's just about starting a few
early and be thankful for the care if you have got it, helping you be lovely to that person. Give them some chocolate occasionally.
Yes, absolutely. Yeah, maybe. Yes.
And they are really helping you to look after your parents. So I think it's really important. Yeah, thank you so much. I think that this has been really helpful. I mean, if you've got a final message for a stretched, possibly guilty, you know, sandwich generation person listening to you right now.
Oh, well, I think firstly, don't be guilty. You know, everyone is doing their best in the context that we find ourselves in. I think just, you know, sort of try and filter through the noise, really understand your personal situation. Ask for help. Asking for help is, again, not an indication of failure. Asking for help can often open up a new pathway that you might not have thought about to relieve some pressure in your own household, but also to make sure your parents have the best possible access to quality care. So, you know, if you haven't got parents already in sort of crisis, start early would be my first advice. And if you're currently in a high stakes situation, then reach out to a trusted organisation and get the support you need. Find out.
But can people in your organ, for instance, help you? If your parents saying, I'm not accepting any help, what do you suggest you do? Because that's like, no, no, I'm not having a stranger in my house, I'm not getting any help. What's the strategy for that? Because getting help, I think, I love that when you said get help, I'm like, yes, yes. What if they won't?
Well, a lot of people who've worked in the sector for a long time can give different tips and techniques to come around that conversation. You've got to try many times in multiple different ways. Oftentimes we find when a clinician is interacting with a customer, it helps them understand things in a different way than a family member. So you've got to try the GP or get a nursing assessment in the home and really help through evidence. You know, your parent understanding why taking on these supports and services now is actually going to make it better for them in the longer term and paint out the alternate scenario that without this, you know, the natural alternate pathway looks like this.
Yeah.
And sometimes, you know, being clear, honest and direct in those conversations is the only way through. But, you know, it does, it does take a few. Sometimes it takes a few different goes to get around it.
You're not gonna. You might not.
Yeah, no, it won't get it right the first time. And these are repeated, frequent conversations which, again, the earlier you start, the more you're seeding the idea. So it's not such a stark transition when actually care is required.
Start early.
Yeah, Start often Start often.
Yeah. No, I do know someone who had to go into aged care because she refused help in the home and then she kept having terrible falls, so she ended up in aged care.
Yeah.
So tell them that. Because if she had help in the home, she might not have.
She might have. Yeah.
There's a lesson there.
Lived in a home for longer. But you also have to respect people's dignity and choice and the ability for them to just control their. So you also have to respect that if you've tried multiple ways and Mum and Dad just simply are a hard no, then that is all. That is also their right to kind of make that decision. As well. As hard as it is to look on, that is, you know, everyone, we all have our own life to live and path to walk. And if ultimately that's the decision they take, then it's also about respecting that as well.
Yeah, no, fair enough. It is. They're people, they have agents and that. It's their life fundamentally. Yeah. This has been so useful. Thank you so much for chatting to us.
A pleasure. Such an important topic.
Yeah, it is. It's really helpful and it's so insightful to kind of see that those in the industry understand what it's like for us and really kind of understand the challenges ahead.
Yes. Thanks, Pru. Yes, thank you.
Do send this episode to a friend or a sibling who really needs to hear. Hear some of the messages inside or to understand your reality of where you're going with this. Do email us if you have a topic you would like us to cover on the podcast. You can do that by just sending us a message on hellolubsandwich.com follow us on all the social media, give us a rating and remember, you are doing a great job and you have got them. We have got you. Today's episode was supported by Australian Unity Home Health and Care, Proactive local care that helps your parents stay independent and living well at home. Visit australianunity.com auclubsandwich. Today's episode was supported by New South Wales Trustee and Guardian Wills, Power of attorney and enduring guardian sorted properly so the people you love aren't left guessing. Search New South Wales Trustee and Guardian or call 1300-10-2030.
You make one phone call to get help for your ageing mum or dad and suddenly you are drowning in acronyms and waiting lists. The aged care system. It's a bit of a wall of these acronyms, phone calls, waiting lists, and nobody's really giving you a map or a guide. Well, we see you, we want you to know that you're not behind. You haven't left it too late. And wherever you're starting from is the right place to start. You don't have to hold all of this in your head on your own. And you can keep what matters most to your aging mum or dad right at the centre of every decision. That's what Vera is here any time of the day or night at Vera Guide. It's free, safe and secure, built right here in Australia with families and the experts who know this journey.